Wednesday, April 27, 2005

In Honor of Ms. G.

"Beware my Lord of Jealousy, for it is the Green-eyed Monster which doth Mock the meat it feeds on." - William Shakespeare's Othello

Sunday, April 17, 2005

Diet Cooke

I'm so proud of my son! I tell him I'm thirsty, he runs to the refrigerator, gets a Diet Coke (or as he calls them, Diet Cookes) and runs it back to me. I couldn't be any prouder!

Now we're going to work on "Daddy's Hungry," and he runs and BBQ's a steak for me! Medium-rare!

Wednesday, April 13, 2005

My Nuts

I've lost my nuts! Around November of last year, I had some work done and they were removed. I thought that they had replaced them, however upon closer inspection only yesterday did I realize they weren't MY NUTS!!! I took the recommendation of a friend and went to a place that seemed like a good place. They did everything they were SUPPOSED to, but they didn't put back my nuts.

So now I'm left wondering, Where are they? What are they doing? Is someone else sporting MY NUTS???

My wheels and tires just don't look the same without my lug-nuts. They are really great looking and my car just looks better with them on.

Saturday, April 09, 2005

The Lemon Starburst Affair

In the annals of Valley High School history (GO VALLEY VIKINGS!), there are many exciting, mysterious, known, unknown, lurid, sensual, and otherwise legendary stories. The Lemon Starburst Affair ranks right up near the... well, middle of the lower pack. If it was the Boston Marathon, it would come in right near the guy with the wood leg. But in MY mind, and in the mind of a select few theater geeks, it's a Kenyan runner coming in very early in the race, maybe even first place!

In a previous post I described my role in the Arthur Miller play, The Crucible. I played the lead part of John Proctor. He ends up getting hung in the end! (I actually think it was an appropriate end to my acting career by the way) In a touching scene near the end of the play, John gets a chance to kiss his wife one last time. It's their final conjugal moment of their lives. It's the final symbolic action showing their love and devotion for one another. It's THE LAST... Okay, you get the point... It was a special moment. During the practice leading up to the play, the first time came where I kiss my wife, Elizabeth Proctor (played by a cute red-head whose name slips me, but I will find out later from my year book!). It was PATHETIC! I was quite a ladies man if I do say myself. I was a GOOD kisser! And I blew it... I kissed her like I was trying to avoid Herpes Simplex 5, or like she was my creepy aunt who kisses everyone.

After several failed attempts at a believable kiss, the play director yelled "CUT" and asked me to walk to the front of the stage where I was to be either fired or instructed. Knowing that I was the only guy "MAN ENOUGH" to play the role, she couldn't fire me, so she dug deep in her book of "Acting for Dummies" book and found a trick likely to work for me. She asked me what my favorite candy was. Without hesistation, I answered "Lemon Starburst". Well, she went on to explain that this kiss should symbolize my LAST and FINAL lemon starburst on this planet. It was my last piece of candy. Would I hurry up and eat it, or savor it and enjoy it? That was all the inspiration I needed! I was back to the suave kisser I knew I could be and I dazzled not only my co-actors, but the director. There was no more need for inspiration.

The night of the dress rehearsal came. It was a night where the theater would be full, but we were SUPPOSED to do everything we could to make the other actors break character. Along came the scene where I was to place the everlasting kiss. I had not broken character once throughout the whole play and felt quite proud of myself. I had the kiss, a medium size monologue left, and then I was home free! Previously "The Kiss" was of course of the closed mouth variety, but made to look like a very passionate kiss. When the time came for the kiss, my "wife" leaned in, started to kiss me, forced my lips open and using only her tongue, forced a Lemon Starburst into my mouth...

Of course I opened my eyes to see her eyes open as well, with a look of mirth coming through them. I also looked around and saw EVERY other actor, both on-stage and off looking at me and realized everyone except myself knew this was coming. They were obviously waiting for me to break character spit out the Lemon Starburst.

Using every ounce of restraint, I finished the kiss, pulled back from her looking very serious and solemn, looked Elizabeth in the eyes and said, "Mmmmmmm". Everyone, EXCEPT ME, broke character and started to laugh. I stayed in character, delivered my "Pre-Hanging" speech, and left the stage with a very yummy Lemon Starburst still in my mouth.

Thus came about the "Lemon Starburst Affair". It was quite famous and I'm sure made some of the major trade publications. I could have been nominated for some sort of award had I not dropped off the face of the acting planet.

Maybe someday I'll make my return. Maybe someday I'll find someone willing to shove a Lemon Starburst into my mouth. Maybe I could be the Lemon Starburst spokesperson. Or maybe I should just continue living in anonymity, letting people talk (as I'm sure "they" do incessantly) about the famous "Lemon Starburst Affair" and what that talented actor who didn't break character is doing now...


Tuesday, April 05, 2005

Easter Egg Hunt Review

Well, Stacie did it again. My sister-in-law, who stands about 5'2" and weighs all of 100 lbs. found the golden egg, AGAIN!!! Yes, the Annual Easter Egg Hunt (notice my disdainful ommission of the three exclamation points...) went along smoothly from the beginning. I rounded the side of the house in first place. Made it to the backyard well ahead of the crowd and had oodles of time to collect eggs before there was any competition. We all scoured the backyard, and no one found the golden egg. My mother, in her devious and devilish wisdom had BURIED the golden egg. Yes, you heard me correctly, BURIED it! And STILL Stacie found it. HOW DOES SHE DO IT???

Some people they say are given an inate sense for certain things. I think Stacie has a sixth sense for where the golden egg is. And of course, we all overlook her (literally, like I said, she's only 5'2"!) as competition. We use all of our skills and subterfuge to sabotage the giant Howlett siblings, that we let the little one get away. She's like that mongoose in India that kills the cobras. The snake (in this metaphorical analogy the cobra plays the part of a Howlett sibling) thinks they're all that and a bag of chips and are entitled to just run-amuk and then along comes this little mongoose (obviously playing the part of the Little One!).

She kicks all of our butts, leaves us licking our wounds, wondering who was that person that ran between our legs?